Thoughts on Anger, Holding Space, and America’s Wounds
Group relations events, conferences, meditation retreats, and relationships helped me see the deep wounds that have proliferated in the US and how they carry on in spreading hurt and pain. Many people want or need to be seen and heard, but very few have the capacity to hold that space. Our country’s history and our families’ histories all contribute to a lack of care and understanding of how to see pain points, address those points, and heal them so that we are not recreating our traumas by spreading our anger and frustration to others. Our anger and resentment spreads like cancer and is a catalyst for the same.
My own family has progressed in healing our pain. My grandfather is the person who decided to leave a toxic Montana mountain town that was full of family traumas and dramas. He took his family across the country to various places as he pursued his career. From my grandfather’s decision, my dad and his siblings lived an uprooted life where they saw things in the US, like the pain in the segregated south. They did their part to show care and support to those living under the oppression and moved to the next place. Certainly, they all had their own obstacles and events in their lives that were difficult, but they were seemingly able to stop from spreading hurt to the families they created. Instead, they shared lessons, wisdom, support, and care with me and my cousins. There was an understanding of the pain in the US without the embodiment of it. My mother’s side seemed to feel a little more of the pain, although I don’t know the details. Certainly, growing up in Cleveland as it transformed into a rust belt city made for a difficult time. As far as personal relationships, my grandmother had a hard time treating my mom well and that certainly must have a history. Any results of it all that were not addressed were passed down to me to be healed.
There are surges of anger, anxiety, and narcissism in the US, spread from hurt people to confuse and evoke those elements in others. It takes one look at the state of our political parties to see the rampant hate and abuse in our country. The social life for people in with deep anger, anxiety, and narcissism becomes a co-creation of their trauma as they recreate their childhood and difficult situations that are familiar to them. It takes a lot of work, space, and compassion for people to soften enough to understand what is going on.
Professionals are available to help, they are trained in holding space to help heal wounds, and yet people with resources often refuse support. The American culture of “ultra independence” prevents our citizens from reaching out for the social support known to be needed to make sense of what we can’t see for ourselves. Those independent people perhaps unknowingly want to keep living in their anger, resentment, and despair because they don’t know who would they be with out it. Where would they get their energy? How much effort would it take to heal? Why would they would want an ongoing project that is themselves? Who would want to look back at the root causes that hurt so badly?
I hosted a workshop for a group of people with Japanese heritage. After one participant asked me how the group differed from other workshops, I reflected on how their ability to listen deeply to one another and to quiet themselves was astounding. No one was waiting to get a word in edgewise. Perhaps this was a testament to the healed aspect of those individuals, but it was almost certainly also a culturally learned ability to respectfully listen and live in collective support. The warmth and care that emerged from that workshop was like nothing I had experienced teaching groups of people of a primarily US cultural background. While every culture and country certainly has their own issues to heal, those were not manifested in that group.
At a recent meditation retreat in the US, people focused on healing still had trouble listening. They had much they wanted to teach others and needed to be heard in their own struggles. With ten participants and three hosts, some feelings were heard and pain was addressed. Those who attended with the more superficial wounds would hold the space and wait for another time when there was more space for them.
Personally, in a series of relationships, I saw a lot of pain and it made me uncomfortable because I felt it. Who was I to walk away from someone in pain? But who was I to stay and experience them transferring their pain to me? Looking back, it was fascinating to see the role they created for me as the villain in order to tell themselves narratives far from objective reality. I was their mom who was insecure, despite my confidence and learned securities. I was their anxious and depressed mother, despite my own healing and insistence that I was rarely in those places anymore. I was their financially needy ex-girlfriend, despite my own secure finances, 401k, and family advice to be financially independent. I was their man-hating social media feed, despite my clarification that I love and support women, and I also hear and honor men’s struggles. My own success and boundaries eventually made me intolerable to them (when they should have been intolerable to me much of the time). I was too far off from their delusion. I didn’t make sense to their broken lens. I was angry at the result of involving myself with them, but had to understand that it wasn’t right to be mad at people who were suffering. The anger I wanted to throw back at them wasn’t my anger, it was theirs. I didn’t need to give them pain back, they already had it.
There are a lot of wounded people in this country. I am glad there are programs, like coaching, that are teaching groups of people to listen and hold space as they look at themselves and grow. I’m proud to be part of that and connect with people who want to heal and move forward. I’m ecstatic to have strong friends who have helped me lower my tolerance level for others’ poor behavior. I’ve looked at my own hurt and patterns and continue to work through creating healthier situations. I am glad that parenting is addressing kid’s feelings so that even if home life is rough, children may have a chance to heal their wounds with conscious teachers at school and elsewhere.
I have had to soften my own anger and realize I don’t want to add to what is already multiplying and escalating. While anger is energizing, I don’t want to hold a poison that is a catalyst for cancer.