Paris Hilton Made Me Realize I am Utterly Detached from the Animal Kingdom
Caroline is the author of Fairly Smooth Operator: My Life Occasionally at the Tip of the Spear, now available on Amazon. She is PhD student at the University of San Diego and CIA and Coast Guard veteran.
“What is your spirit animal?”
After a long day on campus, teaching an undergraduate course and then staying into the evening for my own classes, I was finally on my newly acquired 30 minute commute home.
It was December and had been dark since 4:30pm. I wasn’t falling asleep, but I could feel the physical tiredness settling in now that my brain was turning off. My previous podcast choice for the highway drive to North County had been a multi-episode dive into a San Diego Navy scandal. “Fat Leonard” and his psychopathy were fascinating, as were the excuses naval personnel made for their involvement with his bribery and corruption.
Tonight was different though, I wanted something lighter as the holiday season came into being. Paris Hilton had just been on my Instagram feed with her wedding and I had been following her recent trend to maturity via her documentary on the abuses she endured at a youth treatment program. She also had some clips of a previous boyfriend completely ruining a show she was DJ-ing because he was super jealous and insecure about her whole way of being. Having grown up in a similar era, I connected with her finally owning her narrative and understanding how the misogynistic culture played into how she has been viewed. I also appreciated that she was 40 and and getting married for the first time. What women doesn’t love that kind of story line?
I was feeling her light inquiries for the guest of the night, Lance Bass, but then came the questions she poses each week for her guest. I listened and played my own answers in my head, unsure how I would answer to my first kiss because I don’t remember. I considered what my latest pet peeves were and totally agreed with Lance on loud chewing being a top three. Then came the question that I just could not answer, what is your spirit animal?
Lance must have prepared before, he knew his animal was a Cheetah and had the exact story as to why.
But what on earth was my spirit animal?
The easy answer would be a dog. I have my little chihuahua who is my best buddy and, like me, loves to be warm. He is super playful though and loves other dogs, so I feel like his extroversion is where our similarities start become apparent. I love having friends, but I think I’m too skeptical and maybe even judgmental to be a dog.
I next moved to the ocean. Was I a jellyfish? I don’t think so. I consider them a bit of a nuisance and hardly classify them as an animal in my own analysis of the five kingdoms since jellyfish float with the current like kelp. Besides, they sting everyone and I’m sure I can sting, but I definitely have my people who I’d never touch with poison. Over the last few days, I had a few great surf sessions. I also consider myself fairly intelligent.
Was I a dolphin?
I could be, but these animals joyfully ride waves with any other surfer. Although I like surfing with a small group, I wouldn’t be all about sharing waves with everyone and anyone. I also don’t know if I can relate to being with a pod for a long period of time. I’ve moved around so much, I’ve had a lot of temporary pods, but nothing like the kind of commitment a dolphin has to theirs. Maybe I wish a dolphin was my spirit animal. I shelved it and moved to the next ocean creature.
What about a sea otter?
Floating around in the ocean and diving under is super fun. Otters also have a fabulous coat of fur and I love warm fur coat. So maybe our souls were a match. I thought about them cracking open shells as they lay on their backs and then twist and turn to entertain the viewers at the aquarium. I would hate to do all that with people watching. I also read an article that says they are the party animals of the sea and I am not a party animal. Can’t stand chatter. Maybe I’m a sea otter, but a free one, not one on display.
And then I got stuck. What other animals might I relate with?
Lion. No, not that confident.
Zebra? What do I even know about zebras?
I’m not enough of an asshole to be a house cat.
Where were my Zoo Book magazines when I really needed them? How could I only come up with two ocean creatures that could possibly be me? Why was a struggling to remember facts and characteristics of animals?
My adult self was out of touch with the animal kingdom. I racked my brain for more sea creatures. Whales. Sharks. Lobster. Am I supposed to stick with mammals? None of these were clicking for me.
I still didn’t have an answer as I turned into my alley to park. I flipped off my headlights so that I didn’t disturb the neighbor whose living room window is right in front of my parking spot. I’m glad I live on the top floor. Sitting in the dark and listening to the waves below the cliffs, Lance Bass and Paris said their goodbyes and the podcast turned to ads. Who listens to ads after a podcast instead of shutting it off?
Paris Hilton’s podcast had done the trick to move my mind from school and my own personal life ruminations to anything else, but I was left with my brain still turned on. I would never be a cheetah like Lance. I didn’t know if Paris had ever answered her own question, but I have a feeling she knows. I was close with the dolphin, but they are such social creatures and although I could use some winter small group gatherings, that is not my current state.
As the night drew to an end, I had made it up to my apartment and sat with my late night comfort snack. I cozied up with a fleece blanket and got ready to turn on The Americans. Something about the complexity of the characters in that show, mixed with 1980s foreign affairs topics, makes me realize I’m too tired to keep up and need to go to sleep.
Perhaps I am an depressed dolphin, keeping up enough to stay with the pod, but really staying back and cruising in the waves when I feel like it. I also hadn’t even considered a turtle. Maybe I’ve been too focused on my own career and school work to even have the animal of my spirit in my consciousness, but it’s down there in the subconscious layers somewhere. Whatever the case, it is probably time to switch from Paris podcasts to whatever Ranger Rick is putting on these days so I can realign with the other creatures of the world.