Voy a poner mis huevos en el refri…
Even while I am a week into the process, I am still resistant to freezing my eggs because 1) it feels like my fear has been developed and exploited and 2) I feel like I am participating in an elitist procedure that I shouldn’t care about. Instead of feeling grateful for the opportunity, prepping for the procedure feels like it is putting me off track for the coming summer, which then leaves me elitist, petty, and ungrateful.
I’m not sure how to reframe something that I feel annoyed about the way egg freezing annoys me. True, in a few years upon not needing them or not caring anymore, I could donate my lovely huevos to someone who is more desperate for offspring. And true, it might be better to go through with this procedure rather than regret not doing it later. Both of those things are future oriented, hoping that the me now matures into someone who will thank the me of right now for not giving into the instant gratification of blowing this all off.
Part of it feels unjust and highlights the difficulties that women have over men when it comes to living life free of fertility worries. Somehow, this worry has either developed inside of me on its own or has been pushed on me from outside culture. It’s a worry that causes women to feel that, if we are not at least prepared to possibly have a child, we will be miserable human beings. It’s the fear that being less likely to be able to procreate could make us less attractive to future mates. When the reality is that we can have good lives and be attractive even if our eggs are old or on their way to not being viable. “But what if…” lands in our heads especially now that the egg freezing procedure has been presented as a regular option rather than a procedure to use in special circumstances.
I’ve never really felt a biological clock. I like children. I would consider having one, but I’ve never felt the need to make it happen. My hormones have made the idea attractive when I’m with a solid partner, but perhaps because I’ve been with bozos, it hasn’t yet seemed like such a strong idea. “But what if I finally meet someone who isn’t a dud…”
I truly don’t know if going through with this is a test of my maturity or an error against my intuition. Since my insurance is covering it, I didn’t have the excuse of cost to not do it. I couldn’t find a logical reason not to do it, only the emotional feeling that I didn’t really care and the practical voice over riding and saying to just do it or you’ll be mad at yourself that you didn’t.